Archive | November, 2011

Reflections #3 The Mind

22 Nov

The mind is a powerful weapon. Don’t use it enough and you’re an idiot. Use it too much and you’re an overthinker that probably doesn’t act out as much as you should. Psychological disorders like PTSD, schitzo, and multiple personality disorder? Powerful. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on your self and you begin to believe situations that are not real. Anxiety, depression are all mind related.

When I went skydiving I convinced myself that fear was a mental state of being. I didn’t want to be afraid. I blocked everything that I was afraid of. I came to terms with death and pain because that’s what we’re afraid of when put into a situation like skydiving, right? If I died going up the plane ride, or I fell to my death, or I severely hurt myself I would be ok with that. I also knew that I had to take advantage of such a thrilling opportunity. Now or never!

When I had my wisdom tooth pulled out, I chose not to be put to sleep. I felt the needles of novacaine going into my gums. I felt the cut into the gums and the surgeon cleaning out the tooth from my mouth. I thought I felt him stitch me up. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes that I saw the blood. The whole time I was thinking about my favorite Aterciopelados song “Florecita Rockera” and I was visualizing how to play it on the guitar in my head. My mind went somewhere else.

The mind is a powerful weapon. Keep it safe and keep it sound.

Reflection #2 Education

20 Nov

Call me a pessimist if you may, but it can really seem like an uphill battle being in education. Most of my co-workers (former or present) were shining stars while they were in high school and college. They step into the system and turn into nobodys that can’t even get a positive evaluation from their boss/principal. “Once the kids have gone home for the day, I ask myself ‘what am I doing here between these 4 walls all by myself,'” G quoted ABC (she’s good, isn’t she?). The loneliest of professions. The never ending homework and constantly going back to school to learn new methods. Being a secretary, Ms. Fix it, technology whiz, interior decorator, data analyst, active presenter, actress, mediator, and mentor to students. Getting paid peanuts for the 10-12 hour work days. Over 225 students. 6 periods a day. 30 minute lunches. Not having a life because your career sucks your life from within. Being the old hag like Ms. Bishop? Oh and don’t forget the teachers who are also coaches. I’ve never felt the feeling of being truly mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and not being able to get out of bed until I taught. Why the fuck would anyone want to teach?

We all want to make a difference. We all want to help our students succeed. But at what cost is the profession doing to teachers and administrators?  We all want to teach and make meaningful connections to affect the lives of our youth. But really who wants to go through all of the above? I made a conscious decision to leave the traditional profession. For someone who needs to socialize, for someone who is used to being taken into consideration, for someone who lives and thrives on extra-curricular, for someone who likes to focus on a small group of students, for someone who is single… yeah that was not for me. Why can’t there be some kind of educational reform where class size is only 20 students, 3 periods a day, 1 instructional assistant for the whole day, get paid well, 45 minute lunches, go to training and not have to miss work, get the respect that I deserve, and still get to go home at 4pm? In my dreams…

Fuck it. Maybe I can’t have it all, but I can have part of it. Not everyone fits into the same box. Not everyone is the same. I’ll see how it works starting January. I will keep my fingers crossed for myself.

Random #1

20 Nov

No matter how many times you tell someone that you care about them, they won’t listen. No matter how many times you try to be there for someone, they won’t care. We can only do so much as human beings to tell and show someone that we care for them.

 

If No One Will Listen

Kelly Clarkson

 

Maybe no one told you there is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think that there’s enough that you would drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one’s left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There’s no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, “Just stay here”

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one’s left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find you’ve been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn’t have to face down your own hate

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one’s left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still